Yep. You read that correctly. Will is back in action with the fourth installment of The Boyfriend Chronicles. This month he’s taking on… male inadequacy? I’ll let him do the explaining…
Hola de nuevo, fit and focused friends of Fitful Focus. (I don’t know when he learned Spanish…) It’s that time again where Nicole gives me total control of the blog to write about whatever I want. It’s weird, though, she always gets nervous when I write these posts. Maybe it’s because I told her I wanted to write about male inadequacy. So, without further adieu… we begin a depressing journey through the past few years of my life.
Just as many of these posts have started, it’s necessary to give a little background on the subject. Travel with me, for a moment, back to 2007.
A boy, me, enters the stage from the right. The lights are dim, but his hunched shadow can be made out as he walks across the stage with a tired, yet familiar trudge. The boy is wearing a dark blue backpack, likely filled with every textbook he needed for class that day plus a few extras, “just in case.” There is a soft sound stage left. The boys ears perk up, he can feel a slight rumble under his feet. The sound gets louder. His posture improves. Every increase in decibel seems to improve the boy’s confidence until suddenly, he is standing upright – the weight of the backpack pulling him down to the earth. The sound gets louder and louder until suddenly, a car is spotted in the distance. The car is black. It has an elegant face, a powerful engine and the scissors to cut the boy loose from all the stress of college. The car is freedom.
And that, my friends, is what people in the biz call, ‘the hook’. How do you feel, little fishy?
All joking aside, 2007 was the year of freedom for this junior engineering student. The arrival of my first car, a 2007 Mazda 3.
When I took the car back to college that year, it began to bother me that the car was not terribly fast. I spent countless dollars on little upgrades to improve horsepower. Fast forward from 2007 to 2012. The look is exactly as I want, aggressive, yet sophisticated and my need for power has been doused by the realization that the car has transformed from a toy I can fiddle with into something that really needs to not break as I drive 50 miles each day to and from work when 10 degrees out (growing up sucks).
Or at least I thought it had been doused. It was not until recently when I walked into our kitchen, noticed the KitchenAid stand mixer, Cuisinart food processor, Vitamix and k-cup coffee maker all next to each other and realized that the power I had worked so diligently to caress out of little Piddle (that’s the cars name, given to it by a good friend in college for reason’s we don’t need to get into) had been seriously trumped.
These 4 gadgets combined have approximately 4177 horsepower (yes, that’s a made up number… but I estimate it’s pretty close, lol) and little piddle has a measly 175… on a good day… when she’s not in a bad mood. This is where the male inadequacy part of the story comes in. How is an auto enthusiast like myself to deal with something like this? Shouldn’t my masculine (yep, Piddle is masculine) car have more horsepower than Nicole’s feminine kitchen products (you call my Vitamix feminine to it’s face, punk!)? I guess I’m going to have to sabotage fiddle with some of the things in our kitchen.
So what’s the point of all this? Gentlemen reading this, if you suffer from male inadequacy, like I do, follow my lead as I have a fool proof way to regain your confidence in the car vs. kitchen appliances debacle.
First, buy some cheese from the grocery store. Any cheese will work, but I’ve found the softer stuff works best. Velveeta (cheese?) is ideal.
Second, go to the pet store and purchase a mouse. Doesn’t matter if it’s cute and fuzzy or totally busted, just as long as it likes cheese.
Third, go back to your house/apartment and find the cords for your most despicable beloved kitchen electronics. Found them? Now unplug them.
Fourth, slather said cords in cheese. Yes, slather is the ideal word.
Fifth, release the mouse and watch him eat the cords cheese.
Six, re-catch the mouse, wipe his little mouth of cheese residue and release it outside into the wild where it can be freeeee.
Seven, reap the benefits of once again owning the most powerful piece of equipment in the family. And by benefits, I mean just sit quietly and don’t give anything away.
Does your kitchen have more horsepower than your mode of transportation?
Is Velveeta Cheese actually cheese?
What is your most desired kitchen appliance?
Have one of your posts ever gone so terribly off track that, even while re-reading it, you don’t know how all the points got connected?
And Nicole is telling me to remind you that tomorrow is Fit & Fashionable Friday, so grab the badge below and come link up your fitness and/or fashion related posts!