Will is back for another addition of The Boyfriend Chronicles. This time, he’s talking about life with a new puppy.
My dear fit and focused friends. For this edition of the boyfriend chronicles I was planning on putting my own recipe together to settle a debate Nicole and I were having a few nights ago, but I think we need to talk about something more serious. MUCH more serious. And MUCH more hairy.
Raising a puppy.
As many of you know Nicole and I recently moved to Texas. One of the perks of moving down here from NYC was that we would have more free time after work and on the weekends to do the things we wanted. We had SO much more time that we decided to get a puppy (haaaave you met Moose?) – something we had wanted while we were living in Brooklyn, but that we couldn’t have since we were both out of the apartment for 12-13 hours each day. We love him to death and he’s the perfect puppy and he’s never eaten anything he shouldn’t.
So that last sentence is how we were expecting things to go before we got him. This next set of quotes is how things have actually played out over the past few months.
“Wtf were we thinking”
“Where did my sock go? I just had it in my hand”
“Nicole, are you featuring part of our wall on your blog… because somebody tried to eat it”
“Something is touching the back of my knee… and it’s wet”
“Yes, he just licked his junk and then kissed your face. No, I didn’t stop him. Wait, where are you going?”
“What do you mean you didn’t fart? Are you telling me the dog just crop dusted us?”
“We’re never having kids”
Has anybody reading this gotten a new puppy or a new dog? If so, I’m hoping you can relate to at least one of the conversations above. I feel like I’ve matured 10 years in the past 3 months and at the same time regressed 25 years. How is that, you might ask? Let me give you a few examples.
A few days ago I came home from work to Moose sitting perfectly at the door waiting for me to get home. He then gave me a handshake and a high five and sat there waiting for his treat.
I was overcome with pride. Like a boy who just got his first peck on the cheek by his childhood crush, I was overwhelmed with excitement. A quick belly rub, a pat on the head, and it’s time to move onto the next trick – down.
Now, I’ll be the first person to tell you that our little Moose isn’t the sharpest crayon in the shed. He’s walked into doors and walls more times than I can count, he French kisses the aluminum windowsill pretty much every night and he only sleeps with his junk facing the sky…
BUT, I did not expect it to be so difficult to teach him down. He learned all his other tricks in a matter of hours, but down is simply not in this guy’s vocab. Enter the regression part of this experience. I had to stop myself half way through doing it because I’m fairly certain my dead relatives were simultaneously laughing and judging me from above, but I literally got on the ground and tried to show him what down meant.
I’m sure to another human being, while it looks absolutely ridiculous and I’m glad there is no photographic evidence of this event, there is a hint of logic behind what I was doing. I got on my hands and knees, which is clearly the universally understood position of “human pretending to be dog” and then said the word “down,” and then showed him as best I could what down looked like (which I later realized, as a human pretending to be a dog, is pretty much a face down fetal position). Man, this guy just didn’t get it. He brought me his stuffed hamburger, he brought me a rope, he stepped on my hand and sneezed in my face – but I’m fairly confident that the thought of mimicking me in the down position never crossed his mind. So as I was lying there with my tongue out, essentially drooling on my own hands, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, there were some people out there with some advice.
Maybe some fit and focused people, perhaps? So I’m here, changing my blog post to focus on a big, hairy topic that just doesn’t seem to understand that ice cubes lead to brain freezes.
Any advice is welcome.
Side note: Hi guys, Nicole here. Will sent me this post, and my immediate response was, “Ummm… he knows ‘down.’ I taught him down just like I taught him all his other tricks.” I then showed Will that Moose knows “down.” My theory is that Moose is actually insanely smart and got a kick out of watching his human crawl around the floor. He insisted on not doing the trick because it humored him.
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What’s your take? Is Moose dense or a closet genius?